It was January of 2007, and I had just graduated from Purdue University.

 

After 3 consecutive failed attempts at securing a paying job (one company's CEO died and they were forced to fire all temp. employees, one company folded days after hiring me, etc.) I began to wonder just what God was up to.  In my mind there was no reason for these "chance" occurences to be happening.  I was frustrated after putting my stability in these jobs and then having the rug pulled out from under me.  I was at a loss; my future was uncertain.

 

During a prayer workshop with the Navigators at Purdue, I received a message.  We were instructed to find a quiet spot to pray, and I chose a spot underneath a skirted table.  As I prayed, I began to become more agitated with God.  I accused Him of being absent and of refusing to help me.  I accused Him of being silent and distant.  I demanded to know what I had done wrong that had isolated me from Him.

 

And then I waited for an answer.  An answer came, but it was not what I was expecting.

 

I heard the following words: "Why do you hide from me?"

 

What?  Me hide from you?  I'm not hiding.

 

But I was hiding.  As a child who knows he or she is in trouble hides under the dining room table, there I was, a 21 year old, hiding under a real and proverbial table, in fear of the time when my Father would get home.

 

Inside of me was a deeply ingrained belief.  A belief that I was not worth coming after.  A belief that led me to believe that when I messed up, it was a greater indication of who I was as a hopelessly flawed being.

 

And I realized that I had been trying to use God as a tool, instead of seeking His face.  As an object I can use, He is much less of a threat to my emotional integrity or deeply flawed sense of self-worth.

 

On that day, under that table, I made a choice.  It wasn't to try harder, to read my Bible more or to not be "so hard on myself".  I made a choice to say "yes" to whatever opportunities God threw at me, and to work with what was in front of me at the time for His glory.  I would not seek Him for an end of my own design, but I would seek Him because He is intrinsically glorious.

 

It was not long after that day that I was informed of a Summer Training Program in Washington, DC scheduled for that summer.  I accepted, knowing it was from God.

 

Not long after I accepted that program, my friend asked me if I would be interested in coming with her to teach English in South Korea from August 2007-August 2008.  I accepted, knowing it was from God.

 

And in those few precious months prior to DC, God showed me how to be a missionary in my own apartment, that I was where I was for His glory, and that I shouldn't feel like a failure when my life looks nothing like that of anyone around me.

 

The mission field has been following me ever since that day.  My life has not been a plan of my own design, but it is more beautiful than I could have imagined.