It was January of 2007, and I had just graduated from Purdue University.
After 3 consecutive failed attempts at securing a paying job (one company’s CEO died and they were forced to fire all temp. employees, one company folded days after hiring me, etc.) I began to wonder just what God was up to. In my mind there was no reason for these “chance” occurences to be happening. I was frustrated after putting my stability in these jobs and then having the rug pulled out from under me. I was at a loss; my future was uncertain.
During a prayer workshop with the Navigators at Purdue, I received a message. We were instructed to find a quiet spot to pray, and I chose a spot underneath a skirted table. As I prayed, I began to become more agitated with God. I accused Him of being absent and of refusing to help me. I accused Him of being silent and distant. I demanded to know what I had done wrong that had isolated me from Him.
And then I waited for an answer. An answer came, but it was not what I was expecting.
I heard the following words: “Why do you hide from me?”
What? Me hide from you? I’m not hiding.
But I was hiding. As a child who knows he or she is in trouble hides under the dining room table, there I was, a 21 year old, hiding under a real and proverbial table, in fear of the time when my Father would get home.
Inside of me was a deeply ingrained belief. A belief that I was not worth coming after. A belief that led me to believe that when I messed up, it was a greater indication of who I was as a hopelessly flawed being.
And I realized that I had been trying to use God as a tool, instead of seeking His face. As an object I can use, He is much less of a threat to my emotional integrity or deeply flawed sense of self-worth.
On that day, under that table, I made a choice. It wasn’t to try harder, to read my Bible more or to not be “so hard on myself”. I made a choice to say “yes” to whatever opportunities God threw at me, and to work with what was in front of me at the time for His glory. I would not seek Him for an end of my own design, but I would seek Him because He is intrinsically glorious.
It was not long after that day that I was informed of a Summer Training Program in Washington, DC scheduled for that summer. I accepted, knowing it was from God.
Not long after I accepted that program, my friend asked me if I would be interested in coming with her to teach English in South Korea from August 2007-August 2008. I accepted, knowing it was from God.
And in those few precious months prior to DC, God showed me how to be a missionary in my own apartment, that I was where I was for His glory, and that I shouldn’t feel like a failure when my life looks nothing like that of anyone around me.
The mission field has been following me ever since that day. My life has not been a plan of my own design, but it is more beautiful than I could have imagined.
